Stupid & Funny from Around the World

[Hakwa Nadro]

At 3 o’clock in the morning, a husband and wife were jolted awake by a loud pounding on their front door.
Grumbling, the husband threw on a robe and shuffled to the door. Outside stood a soaking wet stranger, swaying a little in the downpour.
“Hey, buddy,” the man slurred. “Could ya… give me a push?”
The husband scowled. “Are you kidding me? It’s three in the morning, it’s pouring rain, and you’re drunk! No chance.” He slammed the door and stomped back to bed.
His wife peeked over the blankets. “Who was that?”
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he muttered.
“And you didn’t help him?” she asked, eyebrow raised.
“Of course not! It’s pitch black and raining cats and dogs!”
His wife folded her arms. “Really? Three months ago, when we broke down, those two strangers stopped and helped us. You were grateful then, weren’t you?”
The husband groaned.
“Go on,” she pressed. “God loves drunk people too, you know.”
Defeated, the man got dressed, grabbed a flashlight, and trudged out into the rain.
“Hey!” he shouted into the night. “You still out here?”
A voice answered cheerfully, “Yep!”
“Do you still need a push?”
“Yes, please!” came the reply.
“Alright then—where are you?”
There was a pause, then the drunken voice called back…
“Over here… on the swing!”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A woman sat before the judge, who was reviewing her pending divorce.
“Ma’am,” the judge began, “what are the grounds for your divorce?”
She smiled politely. “Oh, about four acres… with a nice little house in the middle. There’s even a stream out back.”
The judge blinked. “No, I mean the foundation of this case.”
“Oh, that’s concrete, brick, and mortar,” she replied matter-of-factly.
Suppressing a sigh, he tried again. “What are your relations like?”
“Well,” she said, “I’ve got an aunt and uncle here in town. My husband’s parents live here too.”
The judge rubbed his temples. “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No, sir. We’ve got a two-car carport. Never saw the need for a grudge.”
The courtroom stifled a laugh. The judge leaned forward. “Ma’am, is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes,” she said, nodding. “Our son and daughter both have stereos. Loud ones. We don’t like the music, but I suppose you could call that infidelity.”
By now the judge’s patience was thinning. “Does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied cheerfully. “About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
The judge finally threw down his pen. “Lady, for heaven’s sake—why do you want a divorce?”
Her eyes widened. “Me? I don’t want a divorce! Never did. My husband’s the one who wants it. Says he can’t communicate with me!”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Four married guys went out for a weekend of fishing. After an hour on the water, the conversation turned to what they had to do to get the weekend off.
The first guy sighed,
“You have no idea what I had to promise my wife to come fishing. I told her I’d paint every room in the house next weekend.”
The second guy laughed,
“That’s nothing! I promised mine I’d build her a brand-new deck around the pool.”
The third guy shook his head,
“Man, you both are lucky. I had to promise mine that I’d remodel the entire kitchen.”
They all chuckled and went back to fishing. After a while, they noticed the fourth guy hadn’t said a word.
“Hey,” they asked, “what did you have to promise your wife to come fishing?”
The fourth guy grinned,
“I didn’t have to promise her a thing. I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I nudged her and said, ‘Fishing or sex?’ And she said…”
They leaned in.
“…‘Wear some sunblock!’”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

In a busy Chicago hospital, a gentleman kept pacing the hallway, trying and failing to get into the men’s restroom—it was always occupied.
A nurse noticed his discomfort and said kindly,
“Sir, you can use the ladies’ restroom… but only if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
Grateful, he rushed in. After finishing his business, curiosity got the better of him. On the wall were four mysterious buttons labeled: WW, WA, PP, and a big red one marked ATR.
Who would ever know if I tried just one? he thought.
He pressed WW—and to his delight, a gentle spray of warm water rinsed him.
“Well, this is wonderful!” he grinned.
Next, he pressed WA—a stream of warm air softly dried him.
“Even better!”
Unable to stop now, he hit PP—and a giant powder puff tenderly dusted his bottom, leaving behind a delicate floral fragrance.
“My God, the ladies’ restroom is paradise!” he sighed.
Finally, trembling with anticipation, he went for the big red button: ATR.

Then… everything went black.
When he woke up, he was lying in a hospital bed. A nurse stood over him, shaking her head.
“What happened?” he groaned. “The last thing I remember was pressing ATR.”
The nurse leaned in and said matter-of-factly:
“ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. …Your penis is under your pillow.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Ben woke up one morning with the biggest grin on his face — today was his 70th birthday.
He swung his legs out of bed, glanced down at his toes, and said warmly:

“Hello, toes! Can you believe it? You’re 70 today! Remember those Sunday walks in the park? The weekends on the dance floor, tapping along with the music, chasing all those pretty girls? Ah, the good old days. Happy birthday, toes!”
Next, Ben bent forward and looked at his knees.

“Well, hello there, knees! You made it to 70 too. Remember marching proudly in every parade we could find? Remember all the times you kept me dancing when the music played late into the night? You’ve carried me far. Happy birthday, knees!”
Finally, Ben glanced down at his crotch, sighed, and said:

“Hello, Willie… you little traitor. If you were still alive, you’d be 70 too.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

After every flight, UPS pilots are required to fill out a form known as a “gripe sheet.” On it, they jot down any issues or quirks with the aircraft. Mechanics then review the list, fix the problems, and write down exactly what they did before the plane goes back in service.
Sounds straightforward enough… except the ground crews have a wicked sense of humor.
Here are some actual exchanges between pilots (P) and mechanics (S):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 ft/min descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

The guys were all up at deer camp, and since there weren’t enough cabins, they had to bunk two to a room.
The problem? Nobody wanted to room with Daryl. The man didn’t just snore—he could rattle windows, shake rafters, and probably scare off half the deer in the county.
To keep things fair, they agreed to take turns being Daryl’s roommate.
The first poor soul dragged himself into breakfast the next morning. His hair looked like a bird’s nest, and his eyes were bloodshot.
“Good Lord, what happened to you?” the guys asked.
He groaned. “Daryl snores so loud, I couldn’t sleep a wink. I just sat up all night and watched him.”
The second night, another guy took his turn. The next morning, he looked just as bad—hair standing straight up, face pale, eyes like he hadn’t blinked in hours.
The guys laughed. “You too, huh?”
He moaned, “It’s like sleeping next to a chainsaw. I just stayed up and watched him.”
On the third night, it was Frank’s turn. Now, Frank wasn’t just anybody—he was a big, burly ex-football player. The kind of guy you’d expect to snore louder than Daryl.
But the next morning, Frank strolled into breakfast whistling, bright-eyed and fresh as a daisy.
The others nearly dropped their coffee. “Frank! How the hell did you do it?”
Frank grinned and said, “Easy. I got Daryl tucked in, patted his pillow, and kissed him goodnight.”
The table went silent.
Then Frank added with a smirk: “So Daryl stayed up all night watching me.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

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