Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
I recently applied for a job at my local B&Q
NAME: Steve Roberts (AKA Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director, but seriously, whatever's available.If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a ex prime minister style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I was worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pencils from Ikea.
REASON FOR LEAVING YOUR LAST JOB:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
My story continues....
After landing my new job as a B & Q 'Greeter' - a good find for many retirees. It lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Cannock babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." then said,"Nice children you have there, are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work....
I recently applied for a job at my local B&Q
NAME: Steve Roberts (AKA Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director, but seriously, whatever's available.If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a ex prime minister style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I was worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pencils from Ikea.
REASON FOR LEAVING YOUR LAST JOB:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
My story continues....
After landing my new job as a B & Q 'Greeter' - a good find for many retirees. It lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Cannock babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." then said,"Nice children you have there, are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work....
