Stupid & Funny from Around the World

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from the impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree...

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players, Tee Boudreaux aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied Little Tee.
"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"
The boy nodded in yes.
The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head or spit at him. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the boy nodded yes.
And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or throw things at him, is it?"
"No, coach.”
"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

In an honored old convent down in South Louisiana, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns were all gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Southern Comfort that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail old Nun drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us".
She raised herself up in the bed on one elbow, looked at them, and said:”
"DON'T SELL DAT COW !!”