Stupid & Funny from Around the World

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[Hakwa Nadro]

These are all true statements of people claiming off their insurance.....you understand after a while why some animals eat their young.
Insurance claim statements
1. “I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..”
2. “Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early..”
3. “The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”
4. “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
5. Question; Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Traveled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were –
Question: What warning was given by you?
Answer: Horn.
Question: What warning was given by the other party?
Answer: Moo.
6. “I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
7. “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
8. “I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”
9. “Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”
10. “The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
11. “The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
12. “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”
13. “A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”
14. “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”
15. “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”
16. “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”
17. “Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
18. “I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
19. “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
20. “I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
21. “As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”
22. “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”
23. “My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”
24. “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”
25. “I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
26. “The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”
27. “I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
28. “The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
29. “The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
30. “I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”
31. “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
32. “When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
33. “The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”
34. “No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
35. “The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Three Cajuns go down to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They get very drunk and wake up in a Mexican jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, Henri, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I just graduated from Nichols State in Thibodaux, Louisiana, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent. "The Mexican jailers throw the switch, and nothing happens. The Mexicans immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Henri’s forgiveness, and immediately release him.
The second Cajun, Gaston, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I just graduated from McNeese State in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on
the part of the innocent. "The Mexican jailers throw the switch and again nothing happens. Again, the Mexicans all immediately fall to their knees, beg for Gaston's forgiveness, and immediately release him.
The last Cajun, Boudreaux, is strapped in and he says, "Well, den, I'm from de University of Louisiana in Lafayette and I just graduated wit ma degree in Civil Engineering, and I'll tell you rat now, you boys ain't never gon' be able to electrocute nobody if ya'll don't plug dis ting in."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A shrewd antique dealer from London was driving through a tiny village in the Somerset countryside when he stopped for petrol. Walking past a run-down cottage, he noticed a stray tabby cat lapping milk from a shallow earthenware saucer on the porch.
The dealer took one glance at the dish and his heart nearly stopped. It wasn't earthenware at all—it was a museum-grade piece of Ming dynasty porcelain, worth at least twenty-five thousand pounds!
Determined to pull off the deal of his life, the dealer put on an air of casual innocence and knocked on the door. When the elderly cottage owner answered, the dealer said:
"Good afternoon, sir. I couldn't help noticing that lovely little cat on your porch. My dear mother has been terribly lonely lately, and that cat looks identical to one she had as a girl. Would you take twenty pounds for him?"
The old countryman scratched his beard, smiled, and said, "Aye, lad, that sounds fair enough." He pocketed the twenty-pound note.
The dealer picked up the cat, walked two steps, and then turned back casually:
"Oh, by the way, old chap... would you mind tossing in that dirty old saucer as well? The cat is already used to drinking from it, so it'll help him settle in."
The old man chuckled warmly, shook his head, and replied:
"Not on your life, mate. That’s my lucky saucer—sold thirty-four cats out of this porch just this month alone!"

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."