Stupid & Funny from Around the World

A woman said to the angel, "I went to heaven and my husband went to hell. Now, my dear, I want to be taught by a cleric."

The angel said, "Okay." The woman kept telling the angel, "Do you remember what I said?"

Finally, the angel got fed up and said to the woman, "Bibi, be brave. First, a cleric should come to heaven."



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Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro invited his counterparts from Israel Bejamin Nutandyahoo, from USA Donald Trump and from India Narendra Modi for a summit to discuss terrorism and how to deal with it. The three invited heads of state arrived in the south american country a few days earlier so they decided to tour the amazon jungle to pass time. While frolicking in the bush they got separated from their security details and got apprehended by an unknown Brazilian tribe.
The chief of the tribe was really angry especially at POTTY (POTUS) and the Israeli since he had heard in tribal lore that these two thieves would start wars in foreign countries and then steal their resources. The chief called a tribal court and the three were quickly sentenced. All three were told to go in the jungle and get 3 pieces of fruit.

After much searching Donald comes out with three pineapple so the chief tells him to shove it in his own backside without making any noise, one peep and he will be dead. Well potty tries the first pineapple forcefully and screams and he is put down with a club. Out comes Naren with three cucumbers and he is given the same ultimatum, well he pulls down his pants and plop one goes in and then plop another one goes in, Just as he is about to push the third one in he bursts out laughing ... hahahaha... a spear flies out like a brahmos missile from no where and strikes him down.

Up at the pearly gates Naren meets the orange faced Trump who is really mad at him.

Trump: '' what the **** is wrong with you? you could have gotten out alive from here and told our people of the great tragedy that befell us and they could have taken revenge. why the **** did you start laughing.''
Narendra:'' well you see trumpy dear, as i was about to push the last cucumber in i saw benjamin coming out of the jungle with three huge watermelons. I was thinking how on earth he will push it inside his bum and the laughter just came out naturally....hahaha''
 
Narendra Modi's wife always chided Naren on the frequency of his anal gas release. She told him one day he was going to shit out his intestine with his farts. Modi only laughed out at his pathetically foolish wife. One day after eating a lot of aloo paratha ( indian bread filled with mashed potato) the bombardment increased twofold to the annoyance of the wife, so she went to her Muslim neighbor and asked him if he could slaughter a chicken and give the intestines to which the good neighbor agreed. The next morning when wife got up to prepare breakfast she deposited all the intestine inside Modi's underwear. While busy cooking breakfast she heard a loud scream from the bedroom. She rushed to the bedroom to find a horrified Narendra Modi sitting on the bed with teary eyes.
Wife: "whats wrong?"
Modi:" You were right. I did shit out my intestine last night!!!"
Wife: "WHAT!!!"
Modi:" Yes. I did shit out my intestine last night. But do not worry my sweetheart, I pushed them right back inside!!!!!!"
 
The question of why pigs or pork is haraam or prohibited in Islam nearly always creeps up in any discussion with muslims. But the answer to the golden question is a big surprise.
One day Fatima (not her real name) a citizen of Sigatoka Fiji Islands was traveling to Nadi on a public bus. Now Fatima is a very heavily built middle aged lady and she takes spaces for two person on a three person seat. On the way to Nadi the bus made a scheduled stop at Cuvu to offload and on-load some passengers. While the bus which was running at nearly full capacity did not offload any passenger one person did get on. This particular guy Krishna, could not find any seat on the bus and had to squeeze in with Fatima. Skinny Krishna really felt threatened by the imposing figure of Fatima who was by now feeling sleepy. After sometime sleepy Fatima let out a really big yawn;
Fatima(throws her head back and stretches her arms): "Uuunhyeeeaaaoow"!!!
Krishna(shaking with fright): "What are you doing? What the hell are you doing lady, do you want to eat me or what ?"
Fatima (looking down at the tiny figure): " Don't you worry. I am a muslim and in our religion eating pigs is haraam."
 
I accompanied my kids to a circus show that had just come to town. Right in the middle of the show two clowns came up on the stage and invited one person from the audience to come on stage. One stout fellow with the look of total contempt for the show walked straight up on the stage, he had been complaining in a very loud and rude voice to his wife about the quality of the show. The clowns asked him if he knew how to skip and the fellow actually sneered but answered in the affirmative. The clowns produced a skipping rope from back stage and asked the guy to skip while they held the rope, well he was really good but boring to the crowd. The clowns stopped and asked him if he could skip blind folded, you know to liven the things up for the crowd. The guy sneered again but agreed so the clowns blindfolded him and held the ropes ready. As soon as the guy was ready they asked him to start skipping and he did. The clowns promptly collected the rope and quickly exited the stage leaving the guy alone jumping up and down on the stage, the crowd went berserk...........
 
In a remarkable breakthrough scientist have proven there is indeed life after death. Young Dr Thomas a life scientist who is also a devout catholic has succeeded where others have failed. The 27 year old told this news paper that yesterday when he reached home after work at 8pm he had his bath, said his prayers, had dinner with his newly wed wife, kissed her and went to sleep. At about 1am some noise in his bedroom woke him up and he saw someone in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed. Angrily he got up and confronted the white bearded guy as to what he was doing in his bedroom. The guy replied that he was Saint Paul and had come to take his soul away. The panicked doctor tried to reason with him that he was still very young, just married with a bright future. He also reasoned that he had spent all his life studding religion and science so he did not have time to see the world. After much tears, persuasion and begging Saint Paul relented upon one condition i.e he could let the Doctor go for another couple of years but only as a dog or a hen. The good doctor thought as dog he would have to wonder around looking for food and will be kicked and mistreated and as a hen he will just have to stay in the hen house so he agreed to stay on earth as a hen. No sooner had he agreed that he found himself in a hen house nicely covered in fluffy feathers. He felt really warm and comfortable, turning around he saw a rooster running towards him.
Rooster: " Hello there, you must be the new hen that Saint Paul told me about?"
Doctor: "Well, yeah."
Rooster: " How do you feel, you know being a hen?"
Doctor:" Actually I feel great, but there is a problem, it feels like my backside is going to explode?"
Rooster: "Oh that! You are ovulating, you need to lay egg."
Doctor: "How I do that, I have never laid an egg before?"
Rooster: "Aah! Just squeeze your stomach and push I guess."
So Doctor squeezed his stomach and pushed and hey 'plop' and an egg lay between his legs, he also liked the feeling so he squeezed his stomach and pushed again and hey presto 'plop' and there was another egg. By now Doctor Thomas was enjoying himself, he squeezed his stomach a third time and was pushing when something hit him on his face and his wife started screaming, "Thomas! Thomas! wake up you are shitting in the bed!!"
 
A young mans death on the night of his honeymoon has baffled local authorities. 21 year old Tevita Mocelutu, a guest activities attendant at a popular tourist resort along the Coral Coast in Fiji Islands was found dead today in his hotel room where he was on honey moon with his newly wed wife. His wife, 85 year old Lynda McBride was devastated and was being consoled by family members and relatives. The couple had met at the resort where Tevita was employed and it was love at first sight. Ms McBride who is an Australian defied angry family members and returned to Fiji to marry her love Tevita. An autopsy report just released by the police department states the cause of death as "Death caused due to consumption of expired milk".
 
Mr Sunny who works as a Night Auditor in a major resort on the world famous Coral Coast, Fiji Islands has witnessed a very bizarre case. Yesterday night at about 2.00am after finishing his auditing he decided to take a stroll down to security checkpoint at the main gate to collect the daily news paper which gets delivered at 1.00am. Upon reaching the checkpoint he heard a commotion on the national highway, a drunk yelling and screaming and a dog barking its head off. The drunk was yelling at the top of his lungs.
Drunk: "Sireli!Sireli!" (owner of the dog)
He kept on yelling till the poor, portly Sireli came out of his house. The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place.
Drunk: "Sireli! Sireli!"
Sireli: "What?"
Drunk: "Sireli! Sireli!"
Sireli (Thunders): "WHAT?"
Drunk: "Does your dog have a license?"
Sireli (Thunders): "WHAT?"
Drunk: "Does your dog have a license?"
Sireli (Thunders): "WHY?"
Drunk (with an Aussie accent): " Becoz its barking on the main highway mate."
Sireli:"@#*$!&^"
 
Ajit Doval an Indian national residing in Suva, Fiji Islands has a 15 year old son schooling in one of the local schools. Doval Junior and his class mates who are in year 10 were instructed by their commerce teacher to sell something, anything (not drugs) during the weekend and present a sales and marketing report on monday. Monday comes and the teacher calls up all the students one by one to present their report.
Pritika - I sold old clouths and made $74.50. I presented the economic situation to my customers and asked them to spend wisely.
Anare - I sold casava and made $85.00. I appealed to my customers to be healthy by eating healthy.
Junior - I sold toothbrush and made $4500.00....
Teacher - $4500.00 selling toothbrush? How the hell did you do that?
Junior - Well I setup a chip n dip at the corner of Victoria Parade and offered a free sample to all the passerby s, they all said the same thing, THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT, so I would say it is indeed shit wanna buy a toothbrush.
 
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no matter how good and realistic AI graphics will get but a nonexistent jet will give away that its a fake.

cant think of anything any other place to post this video. since tis funny to see the comments of clueless people celebrating the friendship of Pak China for a plane that exists in a computer only
 
"What gift should I give you ?" asked her husband' on his birthday.
Husband, "Look at me with love, respect me, speak with discretion. Don't fight. that's enough."
Wife "No, I will give you a gift."

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