Stupid & Funny from Around the World

[Hakwa Nadro]

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.

Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so stupid to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.

The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

An Engineer Decides He Wants To Make Some Easy Money.

He thinks to himself, and he decides he's going to set up a medical center in an abandoned corner store. After all, he's an intelligent man, how hard could it be? He puts a large sign on the front, promising to cure any illness for a five hundred dollars, and if he can't, the patient gets 1000 dollars.

A brain surgeon is walking past and sees the sign. Laughing to himself, he decides to make some easy money by faking an illness and pretending to not be cured.

He walks in, and tells the engineer: "I've got a problem. For some reason, my taste has disappeared." The engineer says: "Nurse, bring me bottle number 273!" And gives it to the surgeon to drink. The surgeon spits it out and exclaims: "Hey! This is pee!"

"You're cured!" Says the engineer. "$500 please!"

The next day, the surgeon goes back, wanting to make his money back. He says to the engineer:
"For some reason, my memory is failing." The engineer says, "nurse, bring me bottle number 273!"

Of course, the surgeon says: "that's pee! I'm not drinking that!"

"You're cured! $500 please!"

Finally, the surgeon goes back one last time, determined to make his money back. He tells the engineer that he can't see a thing. The engineer says: "alright, I can't cure blindness. Here's your money." He hands the surgeon a twenty dollar bill.

"Hey! You said you'd give $1000!"

"You're cured! $500 please!"

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the cashier the same question.

He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling high on her happiness.

Later, while standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, the works.

“Where did you get all of this?” he barked.

His wife took him to the mirror and said “See the body? That’s yours….

And THIS” she said, pulling off her dress, “is the butcher’s.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the **** out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.

He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab.

"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.

The driver says, "$15."

"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"

The cab driver says, "Get the **** out of my cab."

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.

"How much to airport?"

"$15."

"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"

And that cab driver also tells him to get the **** out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.

He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"

Driver responds, "$15."

The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A triplet sister in nursing home were turning 100 years. The Florida newspaper sent a photographer to take their picture. One sister is deaf and the other two is just fine. When the photographer arrived he ask them to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister yell, “ WHAT DID HE SAY ?”One of the sister shouted back, “ WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA.” Then the cameraman said “ now get a little closer together.” The deaf sister yelled back again “ WHAT DID HE SAY?” The other sister hollered “ he said we need to sit together. The photographer told them to hold still so he can focus. The deaf sister yelled again “ what did he say.” Both sister shouted at her again, “ HE SAID HE NEEDS TO FOCUS!” The deaf sister grinned and said “ What?! All the three of us?”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do that for free? I don't even have enough to pay the fee here."

The guy at the front desk asks her in his creepiest voice: "Do you *really* need to contact your mother?"

"Yes" she answers. "I really need to contact my mother."

"And you would do *anything*?"

"Yes I would do anything to contact my mother."

"Really anything?"

Exasperated, the blonde answers: "Yes, yes, yes, I would do anything."

"Well, then." the guy says "Why don't you just follow me to the back room."

So she does. The guy pulls down his pants. The blonde is a bit irritated at first, but thinks that what must be must be. He pulls down his underpants.

"Well," He says "Do it!"

So the blond gets down on her knees in front of him. She licks her lips. She bends forward closer to his member and whispers: "Hello, mom? Can you hear me?"

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

r>The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus...

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

It was a bright, sunny morning when Maria and her husband, Roberto, set off on their usual stroll around the neighborhood. The birds were singing, the breeze was gentle—and then Maria came to a sudden halt.

MARIA: (grabbing his arm) “Roberto, look! There’s a wad of cash on the sidewalk—it looks like a thousand dollars!”

ROBERTO: (nonchalantly) “Yeah, I see it.”

MARIA: “Well? Pick it up!”

ROBERTO: (annoyed) “Why should I? What’s wrong with your hands?”

MARIA: “You’re the man of the house, aren’t you?”

ROBERTO: “And you’re the brains of the house—you pick it up.”

MARIA: (folding her arms) “Fine. But if I pick it up, I’m keeping every single cent.”

ROBERTO: “Be my guest.”

Maria let out a little huff, made the sign of the cross just in case, and bent down to grab the money.

The moment her fingers touched it—POOF!—a blinding flash of light surrounded her, and in an instant, she was gone.

In her place stood a bleating she-goat. Lipstick still on. Earrings still dangling.

ROBERTO: (staggering backward) “¡Ay, Dios mío! What kind of wicked curse is this?! Why doesn’t that woman ever listen?”

MARIA: (bleats pitifully)

ROBERTO: (rubbing his temples) “Now what am I supposed to do? Who’s going to buy a goat… wearing lipstick and earrings?”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."

The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"

The thief replied confidently: "I didn't steal. The chocolate box says ‘25% free of charge.’ I just opened the package and ate the free portion."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.

The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.

While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"

The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."

The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"

The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Bank Robbery Gone Bad

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said:"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

What Would Jesus Not Do?

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing — he stopped at the crosswalk.

The woman behind him lost it. She laid on the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.

Right in the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer.

She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
“I’m very sorry for the mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing up a storm.
Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk.

Naturally… I assumed the car was stolen.”