Stupid & Funny from Around the World
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Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies: "yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that.
He replies: "yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that.
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
A 75-year-old man walked into a busy doctor’s waiting room and approached the reception desk.
The receptionist greeted him and asked, “Yes, sir, what brings you in today?”
“There’s something wrong with my d!ck,” he replied matter-of-factly.
Shocked, the receptionist scolded him, “Sir, you can’t just say things like that in a crowded waiting room!”
“Why not? You asked, and I answered,” the man said.
Flustered, the receptionist sighed. “You’ve embarrassed everyone here. Next time, just say there’s something wrong with your ear or something, and discuss the details privately with the doctor.”
The man nodded, turned around, and walked out. A few minutes later, he re-entered the room and approached the desk once again.
The receptionist, now pleased with herself, smiled and asked, “Yes, sir?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he said loudly.
Relieved, she responded, “Oh? And what’s wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.
The receptionist greeted him and asked, “Yes, sir, what brings you in today?”
“There’s something wrong with my d!ck,” he replied matter-of-factly.
Shocked, the receptionist scolded him, “Sir, you can’t just say things like that in a crowded waiting room!”
“Why not? You asked, and I answered,” the man said.
Flustered, the receptionist sighed. “You’ve embarrassed everyone here. Next time, just say there’s something wrong with your ear or something, and discuss the details privately with the doctor.”
The man nodded, turned around, and walked out. A few minutes later, he re-entered the room and approached the desk once again.
The receptionist, now pleased with herself, smiled and asked, “Yes, sir?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he said loudly.
Relieved, she responded, “Oh? And what’s wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Joke of The Day
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you had to go to the bathroom?”
Michael replied, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman? How would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I’m sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better,” said the teacher, “but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”
Then she turned to Little Johnny. “And you, Little Johnny — can you use your brain for once and show us some good manners?”
Johnny smiled and said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine — someone I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you had to go to the bathroom?”
Michael replied, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman? How would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I’m sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better,” said the teacher, “but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”
Then she turned to Little Johnny. “And you, Little Johnny — can you use your brain for once and show us some good manners?”
Johnny smiled and said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine — someone I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
At a bustling local bar, there was a legendary $1,000 challenge that no one had ever conquered. The rules were simple: the bartender, a towering man with forearms like tree trunks, would squeeze a lemon until every last drop of juice was drained into a glass. Then, he’d hand the shriveled rind to any challenger bold enough to try. If they could squeeze out even a single additional drop, they’d walk away with the cash.
Over the years, the bar had seen its fair share of contenders—strongmen, bodybuilders, arm wrestlers, even a professional wrestler or two. None succeeded. The bartender’s grip was the stuff of local legend.
One evening, amidst the usual crowd, the door creaked open, and in walked an unassuming man. He was short and wiry, wearing a faded brown suit that hung loosely on his frame. Thick glasses perched on his nose, and he carried a small briefcase. His voice was soft but clear as he approached the bar and said, “I’d like to take the challenge.”
Laughter rippled through the bar. The regulars exchanged amused glances. The bartender grinned, always up for a spectacle, and said, “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got.”
With practiced ease, the bartender picked up a fresh lemon and crushed it with both hands. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed with all his might, twisting and wringing until not a single drop of juice remained. Satisfied, he tossed the wrinkled peel onto the counter in front of the challenger.
The little man calmly set down his briefcase, picked up the lemon rind, and wrapped his spindly fingers around it. He took a deep breath, squeezed—and to everyone’s astonishment, not one, not two, but six drops of juice trickled into the glass.
The bar fell into stunned silence before erupting into cheers and applause. The bartender stared in disbelief, then reluctantly pulled out the stack of cash and handed it over.
Still shaking his head, he asked, “That was incredible! What do you do for a living? Are you some kind of magician? A martial artist?”
The little man smiled faintly as he picked up his briefcase. “No,” he replied. “I’m an auditor for the IRS. Squeezing people dry is what I do best.”
Over the years, the bar had seen its fair share of contenders—strongmen, bodybuilders, arm wrestlers, even a professional wrestler or two. None succeeded. The bartender’s grip was the stuff of local legend.
One evening, amidst the usual crowd, the door creaked open, and in walked an unassuming man. He was short and wiry, wearing a faded brown suit that hung loosely on his frame. Thick glasses perched on his nose, and he carried a small briefcase. His voice was soft but clear as he approached the bar and said, “I’d like to take the challenge.”
Laughter rippled through the bar. The regulars exchanged amused glances. The bartender grinned, always up for a spectacle, and said, “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got.”
With practiced ease, the bartender picked up a fresh lemon and crushed it with both hands. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed with all his might, twisting and wringing until not a single drop of juice remained. Satisfied, he tossed the wrinkled peel onto the counter in front of the challenger.
The little man calmly set down his briefcase, picked up the lemon rind, and wrapped his spindly fingers around it. He took a deep breath, squeezed—and to everyone’s astonishment, not one, not two, but six drops of juice trickled into the glass.
The bar fell into stunned silence before erupting into cheers and applause. The bartender stared in disbelief, then reluctantly pulled out the stack of cash and handed it over.
Still shaking his head, he asked, “That was incredible! What do you do for a living? Are you some kind of magician? A martial artist?”
The little man smiled faintly as he picked up his briefcase. “No,” he replied. “I’m an auditor for the IRS. Squeezing people dry is what I do best.”
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
**A Shocking Diagnosis**
A woman in her sixties burst into the emergency room, visibly distressed and agitated. She was quickly ushered in to see a young, inexperienced doctor. After a brief examination lasting only a few minutes, he looked up and delivered shocking news:
**"Congratulations, ma’am. You’re pregnant."**
The woman’s eyes widened in disbelief. Her face drained of color as sheer panic set in. Without another word, she bolted from the room, sprinting down the corridor, her terrified screams echoing through the halls.
An older, seasoned doctor heard the commotion and immediately intercepted her. **"Ma’am, what’s wrong?"** he asked, his voice full of concern.
Breathless and overwhelmed, she stammered out the shocking diagnosis she had just received. The older doctor, barely able to contain his disbelief, gently led her to a quiet room and reassured her, helping her calm down.
Now furious, he stormed down the hallway in search of the young doctor. Finding him still jotting down notes, he demanded, **"What were you thinking? This woman is 63 years old! She has two grown children and several grandchildren. How on earth could you tell her she’s pregnant?"**
Without even glancing up from his clipboard, the young doctor casually replied, **"Does she still have the hiccups?"**
A woman in her sixties burst into the emergency room, visibly distressed and agitated. She was quickly ushered in to see a young, inexperienced doctor. After a brief examination lasting only a few minutes, he looked up and delivered shocking news:
**"Congratulations, ma’am. You’re pregnant."**
The woman’s eyes widened in disbelief. Her face drained of color as sheer panic set in. Without another word, she bolted from the room, sprinting down the corridor, her terrified screams echoing through the halls.
An older, seasoned doctor heard the commotion and immediately intercepted her. **"Ma’am, what’s wrong?"** he asked, his voice full of concern.
Breathless and overwhelmed, she stammered out the shocking diagnosis she had just received. The older doctor, barely able to contain his disbelief, gently led her to a quiet room and reassured her, helping her calm down.
Now furious, he stormed down the hallway in search of the young doctor. Finding him still jotting down notes, he demanded, **"What were you thinking? This woman is 63 years old! She has two grown children and several grandchildren. How on earth could you tell her she’s pregnant?"**
Without even glancing up from his clipboard, the young doctor casually replied, **"Does she still have the hiccups?"**
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
Hakwa Nadro
Trusted Member
A man was watching his wife as she prepared to fry sausages in a pan. He noticed that before placing the sausages in the pan, she always cut off both ends, threw them away, and cooked only the middle part. Puzzled, he asked, "Honey, why do you always cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The wife shrugged and replied, "I don’t know. It’s just how my mom taught me to do it."
Curious, the next day they visited her mother. The wife asked, "Mom, why did you teach me to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The mother paused for a moment, then said, "I’m not really sure. That’s how my mother always did it. We should ask her."
So the two of them went to visit the grandmother. The wife turned to her grandmother and asked, "Grandma, why do we always cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The grandmother smiled thoughtfully and said, "That’s just the way my mother taught me. I never really questioned it. We should ask her."
Determined to get to the bottom of this, the three women visited the great-grandmother at her retirement home. After explaining the situation, the great-granddaughter asked loudly, "Great-grandma, why did you teach us to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The elderly woman looked surprised and replied, "Wait, you’re all still doing that? I only did it because my pan was too small to fit the whole sausage!"
The wife shrugged and replied, "I don’t know. It’s just how my mom taught me to do it."
Curious, the next day they visited her mother. The wife asked, "Mom, why did you teach me to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The mother paused for a moment, then said, "I’m not really sure. That’s how my mother always did it. We should ask her."
So the two of them went to visit the grandmother. The wife turned to her grandmother and asked, "Grandma, why do we always cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The grandmother smiled thoughtfully and said, "That’s just the way my mother taught me. I never really questioned it. We should ask her."
Determined to get to the bottom of this, the three women visited the great-grandmother at her retirement home. After explaining the situation, the great-granddaughter asked loudly, "Great-grandma, why did you teach us to cut off the ends of the sausage before frying it?"
The elderly woman looked surprised and replied, "Wait, you’re all still doing that? I only did it because my pan was too small to fit the whole sausage!"
