Stupid & Funny from Around the World

[ghazi52]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A couple, both 78, went to see a therapist.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “We’d like you to watch us… you know… and tell us if we’re doing it right.”
The doctor was puzzled but agreed. When they finished, he said, “Everything looks perfectly fine,” and charged them $50.
This went on for several weeks — they’d book an appointment, do their thing, pay the doctor, and leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Exactly what are you two trying to find out?”
The man replied, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to mine. The Holiday Inn costs $90, the Hilton is $108… but here it’s only $50 — and I get $43 back from Medicare!”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A cowboy rode into town and decided to stop in front of the local saloon for a drink.
As it often went in these parts, the locals had a habit of giving strangers a hard time. When he finished his drink, he stepped outside to find that his horse had vanished.
Without a second thought, he strode back into the saloon, twirled his gun in the air with ease, and caught it effortlessly above his head, firing a shot into the ceiling.
“Alright, which one of you low-down varmints took my horse?” he bellowed, his voice calm but carrying a dangerous edge. The room fell silent. No one said a word.
He took a slow sip from his beer, then looked around the room with a steely gaze. "I’m gonna have one more drink," he said. "And if my horse ain’t back out there by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I had to do in Texas. And believe me, I don’t like doing what I had to do in Texas."
The locals shifted uncomfortably, eyes darting between each other. The cowboy finished his beer in silence, then strolled out of the bar.
To his surprise, his horse was waiting for him by the hitching post, as if nothing had ever happened. He saddled up, gave the crowd one last look, and started to ride out of town.
As he was leaving, the bartender walked out to ask, “Hey, partner, before you head out, what exactly did you have to do in Texas?”
The cowboy turned in his saddle, a slight grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“I had to walk home,” he said with a wink.

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A trucker walked into a truck stop café and gave his order. He said, “I’ll have three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.”

The new blonde waitress, eager to do her job well but puzzled by the request, went to the kitchen and asked the cook, “There’s a guy out there who just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. Does he think this is an auto parts shop?”

The cook chuckled and explained, “No, no. Three flat tires are three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two sunny-side-up eggs, and running boards are two slices of crispy bacon.”

Relieved, the waitress nodded and returned to prepare the order. But before serving it, she had an idea. She grabbed a bowl of beans and added it to the tray.

When she placed the food in front of the trucker, he looked at the bowl of beans and asked, “What are the beans for?”
With a bright smile, she replied, “Well, I figured while you’re waiting for your flat tires, headlights, and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

An Amish woman was driving her horse and buggy into town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrolman.
"I'm not going to give you a ticket," the officer said, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your car is broken and could be dangerous."
"Thank you," said the Amish woman, "I will have my husband fix it as soon as I get home."
“Also," said the officer, “I noticed that one of your horse's reins is tied around the horse's testicles. Some might consider that 'cruelty to animals, so you'd better have your husband check that out, too."
"Thank you again," said the Amish woman, "I will have my husband look into that when I get home."
When the Amish woman returned home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would fix it right away.
"Also," the Amish woman said, "the police officer said there was something wrong with our emergency brake.`

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A cowboy in Oklahoma got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started giving him a long lecture about slowing down, really throwing his weight around to make the cowboy squirm.
As the trooper wrote the ticket, he kept swatting at flies buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, “Having trouble with circle flies, huh?”
The trooper frowned. “Circle flies? Never heard of ’em.”
The cowboy grinned. “They’re real common on ranches. We call ’em circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around a horse’s ass.”

The trooper paused. “Wait a minute… are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
The cowboy replied, “Oh no, sir! I’d never disrespect law enforcement like that.”
The trooper nodded. “Glad to hear it,” and went back to writing.
After a moment, the cowboy added, “Still… kinda hard to fool them flies though.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

So, two old school pals, Jim and Robert, make contact with each other on facebook. They arrange to meet up for a wee festive drink in the Horseshoe bar.
They have a nice long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling each other about their lives.
Finally, Jim invites Robert to visit him in his new apartment for Boxing Day dinner.
"I've got a wife and two kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great, replies Robert, where do you live?"
Jim hands Robert a card and says,
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment."
"Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter!"
"When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door, press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
Robert replies, “Great, got that. Tell me, though...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
Jim stares at him and says,
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed?"

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an ‘r’ after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later, the regular teacher is still out sick, and when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an ‘r’ after the first letter."
“That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Nicola’s wedding day was fast approaching, and nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ unpleasant and acrimonious divorce.

Her mom had found the perfect dress and was sure she’d be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!

But a week later, Nicola was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Nicola politely asked the young wife to exchange it — but she dug in her heels and flatly refused.
“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it!” she said smugly.

Nicola told her mother, who calmly and graciously replied,
“Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, this is your special day.”

A few days later, while out shopping, they found another gorgeous dress.

At lunch, Nicola asked, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? I know how expensive it was. You’ll never have such a glamorous occasion to wear it!”

Her mother smiled and said,
“Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Three robbers entered a house. They said to the lady, we don't want to spoil the order of your house and we don't want to harm you, so we are sitting here on the sofa, bring whatever cash and jewelry you have here.
The lady brought cash and jewellery. The leader of the robbers said, "Where is the diamond ring that your husband gave as a gift on your wedding anniversary?"

She kept silent and brought the ring and gave it to them.

Bring the watch that your sister sent from Dubai. She had tears in her eyes while handing over the gift given by her sister.

Now we will drink instant coffee of "Nescafé" and ask your permission.

After drinking coffee, the head of the bandits said, "Now bring the leftover pineapple cake from yesterday."

When all the goods have been taken by the robbers, the woman hesitated and said, "You guys are very professional and ethical robbers. How did you know about the things inside our house?"

The leader of the bandits fixed the mask on his face and said, Madam, we are your "Facebook friends" and regularly read your post and check your status.

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "! spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds."I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - intercöurse or golf course --'She said, "Don't forget your hat."

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

This Christmas, little Timmy’s family decided to get Grandma something "techy" — an *Amazon Alexa*.

They set it up and said,
“Grandma, you just say her name and ask anything!”

Next day, Grandma’s at the kitchen yelling,
*“Alexa! Turn on the kettle!”*

Silence.

“Alexa! Make me some tea before I come over there myself!”

Still nothing.

Timmy walks in and says, “Grandma, she can’t make tea. She’s a voice assistant.”

Grandma frowns. “Then tell her to assist my kettle!”

A few hours later, they hear Grandma in the living room shouting:
*“Alexa! Call Jesus. I’m ready if you don’t bring heat to this house!”*

Next day, the family checks the Alexa app. Apparently, she asked Alexa:

- To boil fufu
- To pray for her hip pain
- And to “cancel witchcraft in this neighborhood”

Alexa’s response?
*“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that request.”*

Now the whole family just calls her “Grandma vs AI: The Christmas War.”
And Alexa? She’s been unplugged for her own safety.

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.

The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".

The agent thinks 'there is no way he can do that' and shook. The old man pops out his glass eye, sticks it in his mouth, and bites it. The agent shakes his head, but says "that still doesn't prove you're a professional gambler".

"Alright", says the old man, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. Double or nothing, I'll bite my other eye".

'He isn't blind, so there is no way he has a second glass eye' thinks the agent. He accepts the bet and they shake on it. The old man pops out his fake teeth, puts them to his head, and clamps them down around his other eye.

"Well that still doesn't prove you're a professional gambler" says the IRS agent, while shaking his head.

"Alright, I'll give you one last chance to win your money. See that trash can over in the corner of your office? Double or nothing, I can stand here and piss in that trash can without missing a drop".

The agent thinks 'that man is like 85, and that can is 12 feet away. There is absolutely no way he can make it in'. He agrees to the bet and they shake on it.

The man stands up, unzips his pants, and whips it out. He takes aim, and let's out a stream all over the office. He pees on the desk, the floor, the walls, and even the IRS agent, all while the agent is cheering that he keeps his money.

The old man's lawyer is sitting there, shaking his head in defeat. "What's wrong with you?" asks the agent.

"Today my client came into my office and bet me $75,000 he could pee all over you during the audit and you'd be happy about it".

 

[Hakwa Nadro]

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.

A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.